A little crude humor.
I clicked on my SPAM folder and saw the subject line of:
Get A Visit from the Big Dick Fairy
I don't think that means what they want it to mean.
Or maybe it does, i didn't open the e-mail.
But the contrasting mental images I have in my mind are hilarious.
July 26, 2007
July 24, 2007
Stupid Lines
So in the past week I've hung out with the same girl on three seperate occassions. We went to the Decemberists concert, we watched a movie, and we went swimming at my buildings pool. These were all done under the context of being friends, I've known her for years but we've never been close. In fact, we went years without talking and recently bumped into each other.
The problem now is that each of those occassions could be considered a date. And not just due to the nature of what we did, but how we did it. To complicate it further, we are going to a Sox game next weekend with one of her friends, who I have meet before under the context of "check out my friend, she is cool, maybe you should date her". I got an e-mail from my friend saying, "oh yeah, flirt away has now become flirt when I am not around".
Luckily she is out of town till the weekend, so I have some time to figure out what exactly is going on. Of course, I won't figure it out by then, that is obvious. But I have the time.
The problem now is that each of those occassions could be considered a date. And not just due to the nature of what we did, but how we did it. To complicate it further, we are going to a Sox game next weekend with one of her friends, who I have meet before under the context of "check out my friend, she is cool, maybe you should date her". I got an e-mail from my friend saying, "oh yeah, flirt away has now become flirt when I am not around".
Luckily she is out of town till the weekend, so I have some time to figure out what exactly is going on. Of course, I won't figure it out by then, that is obvious. But I have the time.
July 20, 2007
That wasn't planned
The Decemberists concert was great. A little rain in the beginning, but after that stopped, it was just music and wine.
Afterwards, I walked with a friend to her place. We were planning to just drop off some stuff, let her change, and then head to a bar. However, it was pouring rain again when we got ready to leave, so we decided to have a glass of wine before leaving. Or maybe a bottle. Or maybe two bottles.
Long story short, smart and hot girls are definetely more fun. I'll stick with them.
Afterwards, I walked with a friend to her place. We were planning to just drop off some stuff, let her change, and then head to a bar. However, it was pouring rain again when we got ready to leave, so we decided to have a glass of wine before leaving. Or maybe a bottle. Or maybe two bottles.
Long story short, smart and hot girls are definetely more fun. I'll stick with them.
July 15, 2007
Weekend Away
I have returned to the City after a weekend out on the farm.
We celebrated my Dad's 60th birthday, I got to see my sisters and their kids, and we celebrated my birthday, or at least gave me gifts.
As imagined, not much related to stuff that goes here from a weekend with family. However, there is one story, while, it is actually hearsay. Honestly, it is double-hearsay, but I'm the only attorney here so it doesn't matter.
A family friend (or whatever you call your parents' friends) was shopping in one of the local grocery stores and overheard a women on her cell phone (yes, even in the country people are stupid and rude with cell phones). This is what he heard:
"I am going to set my daughter up with *theguy* because he is a doctor or a lawyer or something. I know he likes the smart girls."
This is strange for many reasons beyond the obvious. Here are some:
- The family friend knows the same people my family knows, but he did not know this women.
- His wife works at the schools, but he did not know this women.
- He has a daughter who was in the same grade as me, but he did not know this women.
- I haven't spent more then a couple months in my hometown since after freshmen year of college.
- I stopped going to school there after freshmen year of high school.
- Basically, anyone I know still in town, knows my family.
So as far as I can tell, some lady who I don't know has decided that I would be a good match for her daughter, despite not knowing me or even what I do for a living. Further, she has decided that I will find her daughter "smart", again, despite not knowing me and how I define "smart". Further, is her daughter hot?
I am really curious to see if I get any random contacts from a middle-aged lady from my hometown.
We celebrated my Dad's 60th birthday, I got to see my sisters and their kids, and we celebrated my birthday, or at least gave me gifts.
As imagined, not much related to stuff that goes here from a weekend with family. However, there is one story, while, it is actually hearsay. Honestly, it is double-hearsay, but I'm the only attorney here so it doesn't matter.
A family friend (or whatever you call your parents' friends) was shopping in one of the local grocery stores and overheard a women on her cell phone (yes, even in the country people are stupid and rude with cell phones). This is what he heard:
"I am going to set my daughter up with *theguy* because he is a doctor or a lawyer or something. I know he likes the smart girls."
This is strange for many reasons beyond the obvious. Here are some:
- The family friend knows the same people my family knows, but he did not know this women.
- His wife works at the schools, but he did not know this women.
- He has a daughter who was in the same grade as me, but he did not know this women.
- I haven't spent more then a couple months in my hometown since after freshmen year of college.
- I stopped going to school there after freshmen year of high school.
- Basically, anyone I know still in town, knows my family.
So as far as I can tell, some lady who I don't know has decided that I would be a good match for her daughter, despite not knowing me or even what I do for a living. Further, she has decided that I will find her daughter "smart", again, despite not knowing me and how I define "smart". Further, is her daughter hot?
I am really curious to see if I get any random contacts from a middle-aged lady from my hometown.
July 13, 2007
Courtroom Fashion
I just returned from court. I had just one call to check in on today, and I was just there to confirm that an order went through. Going to court is nothing like the average person thinks it is. 95% of the time, it is just boring. A room full of lawyers just sitting there waiting to say hi to judge, bitch about something pointless that the other side is or isn't doing, get a date to return, and bill twice the time that this all takes to their clients.
However, you can at least look at a room full of lawyers. Not to get into fashion, as that is not my forte (I'll leave that to my cousin-in-law who runs one of the major fashion blogs on the Internet). The range of fashion is impressive. Not so much on the men, as they are either "suit" or "sports jacket". Not much else going on, unless you really like to debate ties. For me, as long as your tie points to the right area, I won't give you much gruff.
The ladies on the other hand, they are all over the place. You have the ones who are trying to be young and girly, and wear multi-colored outfits. You have the ones that are trying to be as good as a man with a power pants suit. You have the ones who apparently only dress like sluts, with short skirts and fishnets. Today I saw one that I swear was just wearing a male suit jacket, a wrinkly shirt and a skirt. I'm not really sure what the ladies are doing sometimes.
As for me, I fall in the "sports jacket" group usually. This is because I go to court randomly, thus don't need to wear a suit everyday. Therefore, I just keep a jacket and a bunch of ties in my office and put them on as needed (court or clients).
As for my preference with the ladies, I prefer the classic skirt suit. When done right, it is powerful and still attractive. It makes them look good, professional, and doesn't distract in inappropriate ways (I'm looking at you, pants suit, and the way you fit some asses so nicely). Also, not all lawyers are physically beautiful, so it helps that the skirt suit fits more variety of bodies.
Of course, as I have sworn off female lawyers, this is all just eye candy.
However, you can at least look at a room full of lawyers. Not to get into fashion, as that is not my forte (I'll leave that to my cousin-in-law who runs one of the major fashion blogs on the Internet). The range of fashion is impressive. Not so much on the men, as they are either "suit" or "sports jacket". Not much else going on, unless you really like to debate ties. For me, as long as your tie points to the right area, I won't give you much gruff.
The ladies on the other hand, they are all over the place. You have the ones who are trying to be young and girly, and wear multi-colored outfits. You have the ones that are trying to be as good as a man with a power pants suit. You have the ones who apparently only dress like sluts, with short skirts and fishnets. Today I saw one that I swear was just wearing a male suit jacket, a wrinkly shirt and a skirt. I'm not really sure what the ladies are doing sometimes.
As for me, I fall in the "sports jacket" group usually. This is because I go to court randomly, thus don't need to wear a suit everyday. Therefore, I just keep a jacket and a bunch of ties in my office and put them on as needed (court or clients).
As for my preference with the ladies, I prefer the classic skirt suit. When done right, it is powerful and still attractive. It makes them look good, professional, and doesn't distract in inappropriate ways (I'm looking at you, pants suit, and the way you fit some asses so nicely). Also, not all lawyers are physically beautiful, so it helps that the skirt suit fits more variety of bodies.
Of course, as I have sworn off female lawyers, this is all just eye candy.
Out of town for the weekend
I am headed out of town for the weekend. So hopefully I will have no new stories, as I am visiting my family. Sadly, there might be some personally embarrassing questions asked. So there might be.
If i am bored and lonely in the small town that I grew up in, I'll post the date from the girl I picked up on the el. It entertains me.
Also, it is my birthday, so eat some cake for me.
If i am bored and lonely in the small town that I grew up in, I'll post the date from the girl I picked up on the el. It entertains me.
Also, it is my birthday, so eat some cake for me.
July 8, 2007
Brunch and Zoo, at least the animals covered up my smell
On Friday, I went to the Taste with a friend. She works as a consultant and had the day off, as consultants never actually do any work as far as I can tell.
After listening to some live music, drinking some beers, and of course sampling many Taste food (I really enjoyed the Cajun sausage balls), we went and got some drinks in River North. Talking over the beer, she asked if I would like to meet one of her co-workers, L. I said sure, though I did remind her that I am an asshole. I imagined drinks sometime in like two weeks or something. Turns out she meant brunch on Sunday.
So I get a text this morning with a time and place and I hop on the bus. After I get off, I fiddle with my bag and then start walking to the brunch spot. I stop to turn left at a stop light, and get into a girl's way, as she tries to turn right. I excuse myself, get out of her way and wait for the light. A moment later, she is back at the light. At this point, I get the suspicion that this is the friend. It was just one of those feelings that you get, and you would bet money on it. However, what do you do in that situation? Do you introduce yourself? I didn't know, so I just followed behind her towards the restaurant. My suspicion was somewhat confirmed when the girl entered. I followed her, but couldn't catch her name as she put herself on the list. I decided to go outside and wait for our mutual friend. A little later, she showed up. And I was right, that was her friend L. Thankfully, we had been there short enough that we didn't have to talk about the fact that we were both there. Also, we had to figure out how to lock up the bike that my friend rode (in 95+ degree heat). Always a good distraction.
Anyways, we ate brunch, they talked about work people a lot. I actually knew several of the people they were talking about. One was a good friend of LTR. So that threw me. I decided to say nothing about it, as it would just lead to awkward stuff. Also, I have no idea what that friend's opinion of me is, so if I decided to get a date or something with L, that could be bad. However, they were also discussing how L had gone to a wedding, and something went wrong, so instead of spending a week on the coast, she visited her sister in Nebraska or something. I can't imagine getting mad at a friend like that, so she may have a boyfriend significant enough to go to a coastal wedding. Which makes me wonder why my friend wanted to introduce us.
But then we went to the zoo. It was amusing. It was also very hot. We just looked at the bears and then went all our separate ways. I'll talk to my friend again before deciding if I want to ask for L's number or anything. She was cute, though kinda had the "little girl, big flat butt" thing going. Though, with the weather, I'm willing to cut some slack on people wearing not flattering pants if they are cooler. So we'll see, it all depends on if she has a nice ass.
After listening to some live music, drinking some beers, and of course sampling many Taste food (I really enjoyed the Cajun sausage balls), we went and got some drinks in River North. Talking over the beer, she asked if I would like to meet one of her co-workers, L. I said sure, though I did remind her that I am an asshole. I imagined drinks sometime in like two weeks or something. Turns out she meant brunch on Sunday.
So I get a text this morning with a time and place and I hop on the bus. After I get off, I fiddle with my bag and then start walking to the brunch spot. I stop to turn left at a stop light, and get into a girl's way, as she tries to turn right. I excuse myself, get out of her way and wait for the light. A moment later, she is back at the light. At this point, I get the suspicion that this is the friend. It was just one of those feelings that you get, and you would bet money on it. However, what do you do in that situation? Do you introduce yourself? I didn't know, so I just followed behind her towards the restaurant. My suspicion was somewhat confirmed when the girl entered. I followed her, but couldn't catch her name as she put herself on the list. I decided to go outside and wait for our mutual friend. A little later, she showed up. And I was right, that was her friend L. Thankfully, we had been there short enough that we didn't have to talk about the fact that we were both there. Also, we had to figure out how to lock up the bike that my friend rode (in 95+ degree heat). Always a good distraction.
Anyways, we ate brunch, they talked about work people a lot. I actually knew several of the people they were talking about. One was a good friend of LTR. So that threw me. I decided to say nothing about it, as it would just lead to awkward stuff. Also, I have no idea what that friend's opinion of me is, so if I decided to get a date or something with L, that could be bad. However, they were also discussing how L had gone to a wedding, and something went wrong, so instead of spending a week on the coast, she visited her sister in Nebraska or something. I can't imagine getting mad at a friend like that, so she may have a boyfriend significant enough to go to a coastal wedding. Which makes me wonder why my friend wanted to introduce us.
But then we went to the zoo. It was amusing. It was also very hot. We just looked at the bears and then went all our separate ways. I'll talk to my friend again before deciding if I want to ask for L's number or anything. She was cute, though kinda had the "little girl, big flat butt" thing going. Though, with the weather, I'm willing to cut some slack on people wearing not flattering pants if they are cooler. So we'll see, it all depends on if she has a nice ass.
July 5, 2007
This Week
This week looks socially boring. More seeing friends then seeing new ladies.
I will try to post some stories that happened between breaking up with LTR and starting this blog. Or perhaps my efforts to blow off the dumb, chubby, 23 year old girl. We'll see if she takes a hint.
Also, feel free to comment on my dating styles with constructive criticisms or even dares. Alternatively, let me know what types of stories you enjoy the most. Life Coach wants me to try and date every race (or at least have sex with). We'll see on that one.
I will try to post some stories that happened between breaking up with LTR and starting this blog. Or perhaps my efforts to blow off the dumb, chubby, 23 year old girl. We'll see if she takes a hint.
Also, feel free to comment on my dating styles with constructive criticisms or even dares. Alternatively, let me know what types of stories you enjoy the most. Life Coach wants me to try and date every race (or at least have sex with). We'll see on that one.
July 3, 2007
Friends get Married, I get Drunk
Sorry, I skipped my Friday night, which actually had an effect (affect, whatever, I hate English) on last night's story.
Two of my friends from high school got married. They did not start dating until well after they graduated college. I had actually hooked up with the girl at the end of high school, and came close a couple of times after college. I didn't because of LTR, great call there.
Regardless, after the ceremony, I went and found my table at the reception. It was a table of 6, thank god. The tables were originally supposed to be for 8 and that would have put me with an annoying couple that I introduced to the married couple and some loser boyfriend of a bridesmaid. Instead my five tablemates were 1) a friend from high school (MC), 2 & 3) another friend from high school and his girlfriend, but they left after the ceremony, 4) a girlfriend of a friend from high school serving as a groomsmen, and 5) another groomsman's girlfriend. As MC and myself were both single, this arrangement was less then ideal. But then we looked around and realized there was one single bridesmaid, the Maid of Honor (who MC had dated in high school/college) and that was it for single ladies. Unless you are into the pre-teenage thing, which I am not yet.
Apparently the two ladies at our table had been informed that they would be entertained. I do not think MC and I disappointed. Both of us are willing to make cheap jokes about ourselves, our friends, people we just meet, and people we don't know. Neither one of us has any shame, nor much class. Also, there was an open bar.
As I knew the bride, I had to drink. As I knew the groom, I had to drink more. As there were no single girls, I had to drink a lot. I was actually well behaved during the actual reception. Well, besides some trash talks to some 10 year old who beat me at cornhole, but that's just the way you play the game. At the end of the night, we grabbed some extra champagne and headed to the best men's room.
I went up in my suit, not bothering to change. Once I was up there, I emptied out my pockets on the window sill and started to drink. At some point, the girl I had gone out on a date with on Monday (See: Butt Plug) sent me a text message regarding a joke about STDs a friend of hers had made. It was pretty stupid, definitely not funny. At the time, I am pretty sure I was busy trying to hit MC in the nuts, as is required by the code. Therefore, the girl from my table (#5 above) decided to answer for me. "Do you have the herp?"
Response, "No, but thanks for asking by text"
"Are you sure?"
.... no response. and I was supposed to see her again on Monday to decide if she was worth messing around with.
That's pretty much the last thing i remember. The following things happened, as far as I can tell by piecing together what i was told, pictures, text messages, lack of clothing, and bruises:
-MC and I continue to play cock punch.
-Life Coach is told the wedding is "Cockpunchtastic"
-MC and Maid of Honor "woo" each other
-MC and Maid of Honor decide to go have sex in the room being shared by MC and me
-I declare myself sexciled
-I decide I am sleeping in the best man's room
-I decide I am going to bed
-I remove my pants, dress shirt, and tie and go to bed
-Everyone else leaves half-naked me
-I wake up at 5 am and decide I need to return to my room
-Hotel staff helps me find my room
-Maid of Honor eventually hears me knocking and lets me in
-I wake up
-I have no clue where my pants are
-Receive text message from Monday's date, asking if i was drunk because I "sent some real jerk texts"
-I go to brunch, chipper then most other people and openly make fun of the bridesmaid who hooked up with my friend, ignoring my own behavior.
Moral of the story: If you want to get invited back to the hotel where you have your wedding party stay, invite some single girls.
Two of my friends from high school got married. They did not start dating until well after they graduated college. I had actually hooked up with the girl at the end of high school, and came close a couple of times after college. I didn't because of LTR, great call there.
Regardless, after the ceremony, I went and found my table at the reception. It was a table of 6, thank god. The tables were originally supposed to be for 8 and that would have put me with an annoying couple that I introduced to the married couple and some loser boyfriend of a bridesmaid. Instead my five tablemates were 1) a friend from high school (MC), 2 & 3) another friend from high school and his girlfriend, but they left after the ceremony, 4) a girlfriend of a friend from high school serving as a groomsmen, and 5) another groomsman's girlfriend. As MC and myself were both single, this arrangement was less then ideal. But then we looked around and realized there was one single bridesmaid, the Maid of Honor (who MC had dated in high school/college) and that was it for single ladies. Unless you are into the pre-teenage thing, which I am not yet.
Apparently the two ladies at our table had been informed that they would be entertained. I do not think MC and I disappointed. Both of us are willing to make cheap jokes about ourselves, our friends, people we just meet, and people we don't know. Neither one of us has any shame, nor much class. Also, there was an open bar.
As I knew the bride, I had to drink. As I knew the groom, I had to drink more. As there were no single girls, I had to drink a lot. I was actually well behaved during the actual reception. Well, besides some trash talks to some 10 year old who beat me at cornhole, but that's just the way you play the game. At the end of the night, we grabbed some extra champagne and headed to the best men's room.
I went up in my suit, not bothering to change. Once I was up there, I emptied out my pockets on the window sill and started to drink. At some point, the girl I had gone out on a date with on Monday (See: Butt Plug) sent me a text message regarding a joke about STDs a friend of hers had made. It was pretty stupid, definitely not funny. At the time, I am pretty sure I was busy trying to hit MC in the nuts, as is required by the code. Therefore, the girl from my table (#5 above) decided to answer for me. "Do you have the herp?"
Response, "No, but thanks for asking by text"
"Are you sure?"
.... no response. and I was supposed to see her again on Monday to decide if she was worth messing around with.
That's pretty much the last thing i remember. The following things happened, as far as I can tell by piecing together what i was told, pictures, text messages, lack of clothing, and bruises:
-MC and I continue to play cock punch.
-Life Coach is told the wedding is "Cockpunchtastic"
-MC and Maid of Honor "woo" each other
-MC and Maid of Honor decide to go have sex in the room being shared by MC and me
-I declare myself sexciled
-I decide I am sleeping in the best man's room
-I decide I am going to bed
-I remove my pants, dress shirt, and tie and go to bed
-Everyone else leaves half-naked me
-I wake up at 5 am and decide I need to return to my room
-Hotel staff helps me find my room
-Maid of Honor eventually hears me knocking and lets me in
-I wake up
-I have no clue where my pants are
-Receive text message from Monday's date, asking if i was drunk because I "sent some real jerk texts"
-I go to brunch, chipper then most other people and openly make fun of the bridesmaid who hooked up with my friend, ignoring my own behavior.
Moral of the story: If you want to get invited back to the hotel where you have your wedding party stay, invite some single girls.
That was dumb
Seriously.
If I wanted a handjob, I'd go jackoff in the bathroom. I'm out of your league and you better recognize that. And what 23 year old has never had an orgasm before?
I'll calling it a slumpbuster and moving on.
If I wanted a handjob, I'd go jackoff in the bathroom. I'm out of your league and you better recognize that. And what 23 year old has never had an orgasm before?
I'll calling it a slumpbuster and moving on.
July 1, 2007
Sushi Lunch
On Thursday, I had my sushi lunch with the women who posted a missed connection to me on Craigslist.
I showed a little late, I am classy like that. I vaguely recognize a girl standing outside the restaurant. I walk up and introduce myself. We step into the store, grab some sushi (I went with the spicy white tuna) and water and head over to the Art Institute to eat in the garden.
The girl was cuter then I remembered. We actually managed to keep a conversation going for the entire hour. I am always worried about that when I meet new people. However, either she is intelligent, or I am awesome, because that didn't seem to be a problem. We sat and talked long after the sushi was gone.
The two downsides to this girl: 1) she is apparently 30 and if she has "experience" I probably could not satisfy and 2) she is a lawyer. I don't want to date lawyers, I am a self-hating attorney. Sadly, I seem to keep meeting them. There are way too many. Or I need to find where the doctors hang out. To the ER I go.
I showed a little late, I am classy like that. I vaguely recognize a girl standing outside the restaurant. I walk up and introduce myself. We step into the store, grab some sushi (I went with the spicy white tuna) and water and head over to the Art Institute to eat in the garden.
The girl was cuter then I remembered. We actually managed to keep a conversation going for the entire hour. I am always worried about that when I meet new people. However, either she is intelligent, or I am awesome, because that didn't seem to be a problem. We sat and talked long after the sushi was gone.
The two downsides to this girl: 1) she is apparently 30 and if she has "experience" I probably could not satisfy and 2) she is a lawyer. I don't want to date lawyers, I am a self-hating attorney. Sadly, I seem to keep meeting them. There are way too many. Or I need to find where the doctors hang out. To the ER I go.
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