Friends get Married, I get Drunk

Sorry, I skipped my Friday night, which actually had an effect (affect, whatever, I hate English) on last night's story.

Two of my friends from high school got married. They did not start dating until well after they graduated college. I had actually hooked up with the girl at the end of high school, and came close a couple of times after college. I didn't because of LTR, great call there.

Regardless, after the ceremony, I went and found my table at the reception. It was a table of 6, thank god. The tables were originally supposed to be for 8 and that would have put me with an annoying couple that I introduced to the married couple and some loser boyfriend of a bridesmaid. Instead my five tablemates were 1) a friend from high school (MC), 2 & 3) another friend from high school and his girlfriend, but they left after the ceremony, 4) a girlfriend of a friend from high school serving as a groomsmen, and 5) another groomsman's girlfriend. As MC and myself were both single, this arrangement was less then ideal. But then we looked around and realized there was one single bridesmaid, the Maid of Honor (who MC had dated in high school/college) and that was it for single ladies. Unless you are into the pre-teenage thing, which I am not yet.

Apparently the two ladies at our table had been informed that they would be entertained. I do not think MC and I disappointed. Both of us are willing to make cheap jokes about ourselves, our friends, people we just meet, and people we don't know. Neither one of us has any shame, nor much class. Also, there was an open bar.

As I knew the bride, I had to drink. As I knew the groom, I had to drink more. As there were no single girls, I had to drink a lot. I was actually well behaved during the actual reception. Well, besides some trash talks to some 10 year old who beat me at cornhole, but that's just the way you play the game. At the end of the night, we grabbed some extra champagne and headed to the best men's room.

I went up in my suit, not bothering to change. Once I was up there, I emptied out my pockets on the window sill and started to drink. At some point, the girl I had gone out on a date with on Monday (See: Butt Plug) sent me a text message regarding a joke about STDs a friend of hers had made. It was pretty stupid, definitely not funny. At the time, I am pretty sure I was busy trying to hit MC in the nuts, as is required by the code. Therefore, the girl from my table (#5 above) decided to answer for me. "Do you have the herp?"

Response, "No, but thanks for asking by text"

"Are you sure?"

.... no response. and I was supposed to see her again on Monday to decide if she was worth messing around with.

That's pretty much the last thing i remember. The following things happened, as far as I can tell by piecing together what i was told, pictures, text messages, lack of clothing, and bruises:

-MC and I continue to play cock punch.
-Life Coach is told the wedding is "Cockpunchtastic"
-MC and Maid of Honor "woo" each other
-MC and Maid of Honor decide to go have sex in the room being shared by MC and me
-I declare myself sexciled
-I decide I am sleeping in the best man's room
-I decide I am going to bed
-I remove my pants, dress shirt, and tie and go to bed
-Everyone else leaves half-naked me
-I wake up at 5 am and decide I need to return to my room
-Hotel staff helps me find my room
-Maid of Honor eventually hears me knocking and lets me in
-I wake up
-I have no clue where my pants are
-Receive text message from Monday's date, asking if i was drunk because I "sent some real jerk texts"
-I go to brunch, chipper then most other people and openly make fun of the bridesmaid who hooked up with my friend, ignoring my own behavior.

Moral of the story: If you want to get invited back to the hotel where you have your wedding party stay, invite some single girls.